If Adults Who Abused You As A Child Ask You To Be Their Caregivers -- What Do You Do?
By Vicki Rackner, MD
Mackenzie Phillips' revelation about her 10-year sexual relationship with her father raises a caregiver question: what do you do if the adults who abused you as a child ask you to be their caregivers?
If you face this question, you are not alone. How many adult caregivers are in this group? We don't really know; the shame and secrecy surrounding incest make it hard to study. However, some experts speculate that up to one in five adults were abused as children. Others say it's as high as one in three.
Leslie's story is not uncommon. She says, "Whenever I heard incest survivors tell their stories I got a heaviness in the pit of my stomach. I always felt a kinship with them-like they were telling my story. I didn't have actual memories. It wasn't until I was my father's caregiver, bathing him that some nightmare scenes came flooding back to me. I came to understand they weren't just dreams; they were real. My father abused both my sister and me."
Here are some questions caregivers ask:
"Did it happen to me?" Janet said, "I had the perfect childhood. I remember being very scared every time a certain cousin came to visit. I wonder if something happened" Sometimes there are subtle clues that leave you wondering. An astute nurse on the labor and delivery floor noticed that most of the new moms who chose not to breastfeed had a history of childhood sexual abuse.
"Did it really happen?" Even when adults like Mackenzie have clear memories, they can be refuted by family members. Other adults have a vague sense that leaves them wondering. Did it really happens? Are these true or false memories. Please make sure that you are in a safe environment with trained professionals before going down this road. It's emotional dynamite.
"Are my kids safe?" This is a question all parents ask; however, a personal history of childhood abuse can put your own child's experience in your blind spot.
"Do I take care of my abuser?" Caring for someone who hurt you is forgiveness in action. Some say that perpetrators of abuse against children cannot and should not be forgiven. I will not argue.
However, others are glad they did. Joshua said, "I hated my dad for what he did to me. I spent most of my life trying not to be like my father. My brother told me I was crazy, but I decided to take care of my father after his stroke. I had to let go of my hatred. The big surprise for me was how much I benefitted. Right before my dad died, he told me something I always wanted to hear, 'I'm proud of you.' I never would have heard those words if I hadn't chosen to forgive him."
There is no right choice; each caregiver comes to the best choice for himself or herself.
What do you think? Weigh in at http://wp.me/pzgkL-1T
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The Caregiver Club www.TheCaregiverClub.com is an online community for caregivers who want to respond to a loved one's needs, manage stress, minimize guilt and avoid burnout. Founder Dr. Vicki Rackner is a former surgeon, speaker and author. Her most recent book is Caregiving without regrets. You can reach her at 425 451-3777 or through her web site.
Vicki
Rackner, MD FACS
Founder
The Caregiver Club
Mercer Island, WA
425-451-3777
Source: October, 2009 Put Old on Hold Newsletter
Barbara Morris — Image F/X Publications
Barbara@PutOldOnHold.com
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