The Devastating Power of Assumptions
By Mary Lloyd
There's an old trainer's trick to teach the folly of assuming
things about others. It breaks the word into three pieces…ass….u…me….with the
admonition: " When you make assumptions about other people, you make an ass out
of you and me." It's a valid observation even if the word play is a bit hokey.
It is tragically easy to assume the wrong things about others.
This fact was brought home to me with such intensity twice lately that I am
still thinking about it. The first situation was at a meeting where I was the
presenter. It was a local service club and the members were mostly at or nearing
retirement, so my topic seemed relevant and full of insight. Turned out I was
the one who got the insight.
One of the members was in her 20's and in a wheelchair. She has cerebral palsy
and is not blessed with the vocal control most of us have. Throughout the
meeting, she made sounds that I assumed were a reflection of her intellectual
level. I ASSUMED that she was not able to function mentally as an adult.
At the point in the meeting where members talk about the good things that have
come into their lives lately and donate "happy dollars" to mark the blessings,
this young woman made her way around the room in her wheelchair, collecting the
dollars, even though her motor dexterity is also limited. I continued to assume
she was a guest, there because her father belongs and welcomed because of his
status with the group.
After the meeting, I condescendingly told her what a great job she had done
collecting the money. That's when her dad very deftly set me straight.
Yes. She has cerebral palsy. It makes her physical situation more daunting than
mine, he agreed. But she is also an investment whiz. Even in this lousy economy,
she's been making money in the stock market. She's repaid money from the Social
Security Administration. She's bought her sister a laptop computer for college.
This woman is a full-fledged member of the club and had gone so far as to
painstakingly create her initiation speech using electronic voice software,
slowly typing one letter at a time. She is loved by everyone in the club and
deservedly so.
I was such a callous fool to assume I knew what her situation really was. Bless
her for tolerating me. Sadly, I'm not the only one she has to put up with.
A second situation was even more frustrating. The neighbors of a good friend
announced they were divorcing and the wife acknowledged it was because she was
not willing to be physically and verbally abused any more.
I fled from verbal abuse myself and know how difficult it is to get people to
believe you when you admit what was going on. I've felt the heartbreak of having
your own family believe your spouse is the one who's being treated unfairly. I
know how harrowing this particular situation is and how important it is to
support someone who's found the strength to get away. I try hard not to make
assumptions ever, but particularly not on this.
And yet, when I heard the news, I did the same thing that hurt so badly when
others did it to me. I assumed he could not have been that bad person. "He's a
nice guy," I told myself. "He wouldn't do something like that."
When I caught myself in this thinking, I was devastated. If I experienced the
same thing and still wanted to assume it didn't happen to her, how could people
who hadn't be willing to accept the reality of his public niceness and private
meanness?
These examples are both fairly dramatic, but the challenge applies to the little
everyday stuff, too. Assuming things are going a certain way when you haven't
confirmed it is just going to ratchet up your stress level. Assuming everyone
knows what you need, want, or intend to do is equally stress-inducing. Don't do
those things!
Talk to each other. Be honest and straightforward about what you need, are
thinking, and are planning. Relying on assumptions is the short route to
misunderstanding and hurt. Check things out. Make it just "u" and "me" - no
asses.
===================================================================
Mary Lloyd is author of Bold Retirement: Mining Your Own Silver for a Rich Life
and creator of Living Silver a one-day seminar on non-financial retirement
planning and the large-page format workbook, Planning Tools for Bold Retirement
(based on the exercises in Bold Retirement). She's working on her next
book--about "work after work." She's available as a speaker and for customized
seminars. Her website is www.mining-silver.com. She can be reached at mary@mining-silver.com
Source: December, 2008 Put Old on Hold Newsletter
Barbara Morris — Image F/X Publications
Barbara@PutOldOnHold.com
760-480-2710
© 2008 – Image F/X Publications, All rights reserved
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